I don't know.

"I don't know." That has been my most repeated phrase since we landed in Omaha in July.
That is the only answer I've had for every question regarding our future, and I'm sick of it. I don't know what I thought coming back to the US would be like, but I didn't imagine it would be like this.
I became an adult in China. I learned how to be a wife- in China. I became a mother- in China. I went through every single agonizing parenting issue- sleeplessness, illness, teething, potty training, disciplining, educating and on and on...- in China. Chris and I fumbled along doing the best we could. It was certainly tough and rocky at times, but most of the time it was rewarding. All this is to say, being a mom and adult in the USA has really thrown me. I'm always surprised by the wrinkles I see on my face in the mirror. What? When I did I grow up?
Life overseas is gut wrenchingly hard, but it's also exciting and adventurous. You're always at a heightened level of awareness because of the scrutiny of the locals. I grew accustomed and calloused to that. I took a lot of identity in my expat state. Now, I just feel kind of lost. Have you had those times when your feelings don't match your thoughts, and then you get guilty for having those feelings, but you can't make them go away?
Here's an example:
Feeling: Sad and depressed because I feel aimless and lost in my purpose now because we aren't in China, and we don't know what to do next.
Thought: How dare you feel that way! Your identity does not rest in where you live nor what you do , but in who you are as a follower of Christ and a daughter of the King of the Universe!!!
Result: overwhelming guilt that I am not thankful in my circumstances which leads to more sadness and depression. It's cyclical.
So the I don't know thought processes have really been eating me up these last few months. It has been super hard emotionally. Physically we're fine, but the battle has been raging in my heart and mind.
I'm learning a lot though, and I'm slowly coming back around because God is patient like that. My emotional temper tantrums do not surprise him. He is always full of grace as he convicts me, and I'm slowly resting in his arms rather than shaking my fists at him. How long will this process last? I don't know. But I guess that's okay because though I may not know, I do know HE knows. That's just going to have to be good enough.